by MAXIM Alec Piliafas
Sarah Michelle Gellar, The Grudge (2004)
Finest Moment: Continually wandering round her house alternately opening doors, getting scared and falling over, but looking oddly adorable as she does so.We love a woman who doesn’t want either cats or children.
Survival Status: Unknown. Despite taking a beating, our plucky heroine looks like she’s going to make it to the end credits un-deaded – but then she gets a surprise visit at the morgue. Sad trombone noise…
Natalie Jackson Mendoza,The Descent (2005)Finest Moment: Triggering the eye-watering finale of the spelunking-based monster movie by earlier sleeping with her friend’s husband, as well as being a dab-hand at impaling flesh-eating cave crawlers with a pick-axe.
Survival status: Unknown. Her death is very heavily implied, but she shows up in the sequel to kill a few more beasts. However, the sequel followed off from the alternative, US market ending, which differed from the original European release, so it depends which version you’re watching. Confused yet? Good! Let’s go spelunking!
Adrienne Barbeau, Swamp Thing (1982)
Finest Moment: Taking a long, relaxing, naked bath in a humid, filthy swamp, while a giant plant monster watches her from the bushes, apparently trying to blow his nose on a book.
Survival status: Pass. If you count ending up with a living vegetable for a boyfriend as living, that is. Hey, some people do, you know!
Ali Larter, Final Destination(2000)
Finest Moment: Narrowly avoiding being impaled by a flying drying rack, electrocuted by an entire pool’s worth of sparking, zappy water, dropped by a loose roof tile, blown up by an exploding TV, impaled by a falling beam and incinerated by a burning car – all in the space of a little under five minutes.
Survival status: Pass. This girl lives to act another day in the sequel, where she is subsequently put to the test once more to see if she can survive. Check out this sexy star in the second thriller to see if she survives! (SPOILER: SHE DOESN’T.)
Emmanuelle Chriqui,Wrong Turn (2003)
Finest Moment: Guess what? Cannibalistic mountain men are not the best vacation buddies! Emmanuelle looked great running around in her little tank top, but the mutant-faced, blood-drenched hillbillies detracted somewhat from the view.
Survival status: Fail. She takes an axe to the mouth from a mountain man and dies instantly, the top half of her head still stuck to the tree she naively tried to hide behind. Insert your own “head” or “chopper” jokes here, we’re too busy throwing up in our own mouths.
Megan Fox, Jennifer's Body(2009)
Finest Moment: Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox go at it: Best. Scene. Ever!Jennifer, a cheerleader, is now a succubus, and needs to eat human flesh to stay alive. We hear the same is true of Wendy Williams, but for legal reasons, we can’t print that as fact.
Survival status: Fail. She gets penetrated again and again by a utility knife. We get it, you wanted every move toward Megan Fox to be a sexual innuendo. Enough already!
Olivia Munn, Insanitarium(2008)
Finest Moment: She goes around covered in hot goo the entire movie as she fights every crazed patient that she's ever encountered, in a scene not too dissimilar to what happens every time she visits the Maxim office (Olivia, is it just us, or have you visited less frequently lately?) She works in a testing facility (that advertises itself as an asylum) where it tests pharmaceuticals on patients. Predictably enough, it drives them to eat one another as hot nurse Olivia looks for a way out. You go, you plucky nerd nurse, you!
Survival status: Fail. Go figure they kill the one hot girl towards the end of the movie as some crazed zombie nurse chomps down on her neck. A scene that we have in no way reenacted at home with a giant salami and a brown wig, no siree.
Shannon Elizabeth, Jack Frost (1997)Finest Moment: Having an indulgent (and very naked) bath, right before encountering Jack Frost, a serial killer with a freak mutation who escaped prison right before his planned execution (did Alec Baldwin dig him a tunnel or something?)
Survival status: Fail. She gets her head smashed against a wall in a death scene that’s somehow even more undignified than actually getting molested by a real snowman.
Asia Argento, Land of the Dead (2005)Finest Moment: She blows up half the movie with explosives and machine guns wearing nothing but fishnets. That's because Asia's character is a zombie-killing prostitute who gets tossed into a zombie arena as punishment (which is a wild fucking coincidence, because that's exactly how we got back in touch with our estranged dad).
Survival status: Pass. This badass lady powers through the undead and still manages to walk away with her leather boots and machine gun while smoking a blunt (do we sound cool when we say words like "blunt"? We hope so. Last time we referred to it as a "jazz cigarette", and the children on the bus laughed at us).
Olivia Wilde, Turistas (2006)
Finest Moment: What happens when American hotties go on vacation to a beach? Bikinis and, of course, kidnapping! But mainly bikinis, at least in the first act. She and her friends find themselves on the run from Brazilian men who want to harvest their organs, and not in a sexy way. Olivia’s wardrobe includes a bikini, short shorts, another bikini, tank tops, bras, and more bikinis. And they’re normally doused in sea water, to boot.
Survival status: Pass. Based on standard law of “main characters must survive” (real original, Hollywood!) she manages to avoid getting her organs – wait, we already made the “not in a sexy way” joke, right? Damn. That’s us spent. Come back tomorrow.
Erica Durance, House of the Dead (2003)
Finest Moment: This party girl passes the en-durance test with her sexy topless scene on the beach, but totally fails the girlfriend test when she goes for a swim in the water while her boyfriend is being murdered.
Survival status: Fail. She’s a sexy party animal and one of the first to go. She might be known for being Lois Lane on Smallville, but Superman must have a weakness to the undead, because they kill the shit out of her (dubbed into French in this version, to make it less tragic).
Patricia Arquette,Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors (1987)
Finest Moment: Realizing she has the power to kick Freddy Kreuger’s ass by bringing all her friends into her dream, where they suddenly all get superpowers. If you can call being a knife-wielding junkie a superpower.
Survival status: Pass. Freddy slits this girl’s wrists, but she manages to survive by the skin of her teeth, despite the least subtle Freudian dream imagery we’ve ever seen.
Salma Hayek, From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
Finest Moment: The sexy hell-spawn (we mean your character, not you, Salma. Call us?) dances it up with a snake in between her thighs on table tops while drinking beers and killing the shit out of late-90s Quentin Tarantino (considering his 2000s output, not such a bad idea).
Survival status: Fail. The vampire vixen gets impaled by a falling chandelier after trying to make George Clooney her pet (just be careful around the house, Stacy Keibler, that’s all we’re saying).
Kelly Brook, Piranha 3D(2010)
Finest Moment: Every second the British bombshell is running around in her bikini, which is a pretty big chunk of screen time. Certainly bigger than the chunks her character ended up as (seriously, piranha poop is small, y’all).
Survival status: Fail. Following the age-old law of horror movies that “the most attractive girl with the best boobs must always die” (what the fuck, Hollywood?),Kelly was eaten face-first by a ravenous pool of mutated piranhas. And that was just her first meeting with the movie’s producers!
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